Zen and Navigating Conflict

Margaret Stutt, CFRE
Director of Donor Relations
Haas School of Business, University of California, Berkeley

Photo Credit: Adobe Stock

A respected colleague of mine, Tracy Mills, often shares that “Fundraising is easy. It’s dealing with the emotions that’s the hard part.” Humans are complex beings that bring hope, fear, ambition, insecurity, shame, pride, family history, and deeply held identity to the table. Conflict in an environment as complex as the workplace is inevitable. Learning to navigate these road bumps peacefully is a skill set that we can develop from any role in our organizations, at any point in our careers. Experiencing conflict can be deeply uncomfortable, yet there is always room to grow in our capacity to comprehend the human condition, to transform conflict into solution, to cultivate respect, trust, and belonging. As a student always in this space, I have found myself leaning heavily into Soto Zen principles to support my own journey in addressing and resolving conflict. My intent is by no means to assert that I am an expert but to share this perspective from which you might also benefit when the sea becomes rough and you need an anchor. As Diane Eshin Rizzetto¹ says, suffering is inevitable, but we can learn how to suffer intelligently.

Start with yourself.
As soon as you point a finger, do a u-turn and start with yourself. What emotions are arising: Anger? Frustration? Humiliation? Disappointment? Notice, acknowledge, and make space to allow this emotion to exist. Ask what this message might be trying to communicate to you. How does it feel in your body? Has your breathing quickened? Are your cheeks hot, or do you feel a tightness somewhere in your body? Consider pressing pause to lower the heat and let yourself cool off before continuing the discussion. If you are pressing pause with another person in conflict, consider acknowledging the other person and communicating that the relationship is important to you, the issue raised must be addressed, and you need some time to fully consider a helpful response. This can prevent the other person from feeling dismissed, ignored, or disrespected.

Release blame, and recognize that you don’t know the full picture.
In the space that you have created, you can do a number of things to gain perspective. You can take a walk or get some form of exercise and prepare yourself to be curious beyond your own position, which might be defensive, angry, self-righteous, or indignant. You might gather insight from an impartial third party such as a therapist, ombudsman, or someone else who might lend contextual information outside of your awareness. The eventual goal is to meet the other person who is in conflict with you on equal ground, as a partner with shared goals. It can be tough, but if you aim for compassion for the other person, their point of view, and the challenges they face, you are more likely to have a conversation that isn’t combative.

Metabolize anger to positive action and understanding.
Anger is a completely natural human emotion, and it can be justified and appropriate if you witness an ethical injustice, violation, or disrespect for others’ lives. However, you aren’t likely to come to a common understanding or solution by holding tight to your view and trying to strong-arm or carve reality to shape your desired way of being. The other side of the equation is also likely to have strongly held views, and the harder we push our agenda, the more resistance we meet. As Reb Anderson² teaches, patience and forbearance are the antidote to anger and can help uncover a peaceful path forward.

The Green Gulch Farm Abbess, Furyu Schroeder³, recently shared that the most basic definition of suffering is this: I don’t want what I have, and I have what I don’t want. We must first accept and meet the situation as it is in the present moment. We can then try to soften our views in order to make room to hear other pieces of the puzzle that aren’t in our hands but are necessary for a complete picture. This involves recognizing that we don’t see the full picture in any given situation. The more questions we ask, the more we will gain understanding and likely discover options beyond our initial path of insistence. You might be banging your head against a closed door, but realize there are hallways to your left and right that could be beneficial to some or all parties and worth exploring. This shift from righteous anger or defensiveness to curiosity can help us approach a conversation with more calm, open communication, quickly de-escalating feelings of hurt and ill will. 

Making space for another’s perspective may be challenging when we feel strongly that our view is the right view, especially if it concerns an ethical standpoint. You don't have to like the information you learn, you don’t have to agree, but it is important to accept this new information as data to inform your next steps. We are in the business of creating safe and inclusive spaces, bridging differences, and building relationships to make positive change in the world. This is not accomplished by sowing more division or stubbornly believing we hold the right view and the other party is wrong. How do we learn and grow and practice inclusive and compassionate leadership, crafting solutions that acknowledge concerns from all seats in the room (or those excluded from the room)? Perhaps the source of conflict is our strong attachment to Plan A, when Plan B may actually be more beneficial in the long term. It is helpful to ask ourselves what we ultimately want to accomplish, how our time and energy contribute toward that vision, and how we can reinforce our values through our actions.

Nothing is permanent, so trust that the situation will shift.
Conflict is bound to happen, and sometimes it can even be a valuable crossroads for us to assess our personal and shared values, align our actions, and strengthen or redirect our relationships and long-term goals. However, conflict can also bring up intense and uncomfortable emotions, which can be taxing and stressful. Our everyday work and life is a master class in practicing the skills to be actively engaged as respectful, collaborative partners in creating safe spaces and momentum towards a better home, office, community, and world. Practice ample self-care, and let kindness for yourself and others be our guide.

Margaret Stutt, CFRE, is an award-winning philanthropy professional at UC Berkeley Haas School of Business & board member for The Stability Network. She currently serves as the Chair Elect for the ADRP International Conference, and has presented sessions and articles on digital impact reporting, impact management, ROI, digital donors walls and more.

She embraces mindful practice, creative thinking, and crafting meaningful connection with others.

Margaret is also a nationally recognized musician under the stage name "Pezzettino."

¹Rizzetto, Diane Eshin. (2006). Waking Up To What You Do: A Zen Practice For Meeting Every Situation With Intelligence and Compassion. Shambhala.

²Anderson, Reb. (2001). Being Upright: Zen Meditation and the Bodhisattva Precepts. Shambhala.
³Rutschman-Byler, Jiryu. (02/13/22). Continuous Practice. [Recorded Dharma Talk]

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